For the longest time I used masturbate over my girl panties. Though– I started getting myself off early It took me a long time to go under the fabric, between the folds, to enter my young girl lips. To learn my pussy. Rubbing vigorous little circles the fabric would wear out and eventually get small holes that grew into bigger holes, until the panties seemed rather useless. Of course masturbation was never a topic of discussion in my home, so mysteriously the hole rubbed panties would disappear and be replaced with new flowery pink girly panties hand selected by my mother. Did she know?

Talking to my two closest girlfriends, I ask them about their vibrators. One has never used a vibe or toy in her entire life, the other–well it appears her sex drive has up and moved away and she is teetering on the verge of becoming crazy cat lady. No toy ever? Wow! That surprised me, for as long as I can recall pleasing myself– I found something to use besides and in addition to my fingers and hands. Spoons, remote controls, marker/sharpies, nail polish bottles, plastic ball tipped bristled hair brushes on top if my panties was always a favorite.

I bought my first little mini vibrator from Spencer’s. The basic 4″ cream colored little vibe, this thing sucked. I stuck with my handy TV control for the longest time. I lived in an area that had regulations about age and sex, tattoos and booze, but those regulations never seemed to be followed. By 15 I was frequent visitors of fucked up, nondescript, no signage telling what was inside–adult book stores, followed by liqueur stores. I also used to frequent a place called the Crypt,  a gay man leather bondage shop. I believe it is still in operation. Going into this oddly corner triangle shaped building, the smell of leather filling my nasal passage–glances and some sneers, but mostly strange acceptance was allotted to me when coming here. They sold whippits here, this was my first bout of combing sex with drugs. Well, that came later, but the nitrous sure was nice–it wasn’t until years later that I found out why they sold it at the gay leather store.

Sex and drugs! Yes please. Well– not any more really, it has been some time since I enjoyed the effects of mind altercation and cock. I am not opposed, it would just have to be a special situation. Of course, I am not including weed and alcohol in this statement. Those aren’t drugs right?

So–I am wondering, if I had not spent so many years–fucking my young girl-teenage self, and many of the years after that so high–what would my sex life have turned out like. Would I have had sex earlier–instead of with myself for so long. Would I now be a crazy cat lady, would I be married and living in some warped domestic bliss, would I have a tribe of children, would I masturbate less, would I watch less porn, would I have love?