cynical slut
My friends tell me I need to know what I want before I can actually get that.
What do I want?
It is not an easy question and I doubt it to be valid argument on their part. It may be true–my hesitation, suspicion, set in my ways–ways–are all factors that may have lead to this lack of a “traditional” relationship.
In my own mind, I know– I don’t know what I want (exactly), but I am truly not convinced that have to know. Do I?
I know– I want throbbing hard cock pointing in my direction, brushing against my lips. Yes, that pre-cum lip gloss, I so often reference, Yes I want that.
I want a cock I can use for my riding and grinding purposes, a cock for my use. And let’s not forget a mouth for me to ride, a noes to nuzzle my kitty into. Muffled anticipation.
But what do I want deeper than this? Well maybe deeper is not the right word. Deeper, faster, harder, oh yeah that’s what I want.
Sex.
But, one really should not put all their worth into their sex. What happens when that goes, when I have placed so much time, emotion, pussy–into, well…my pussy? Do I put all my worth in my sexuality, into my fuckability? And when I do this, because my answer in all likelihood (to some extent) is yes, were does this put me?
The dichotomy comes when love wants enter the picture and mind.
Now– in no way am I insinuating I put all of my worth on my sex, but a great deal of my thoughts, energies and want are based in it. I would much rather be fucking than discussing the merits of traditional preservation over digital preservation and don’t get me started on metadata. Even what I consider a passion to me, art/art history, cannot compare to what I feel with sex. Consuming.
So? Love is the question. Is love the question?
How do I get both? Life is complicated, I am complicated. Love is not as easy as sex. It is true, I want both. I want to fuck the person I love. There it is. I want to fuck the person I love. And this is exactly the problem, if matters of want were as simple as just putting it out there in the universe, then we would all have what we wanted. Just because I want to fuck the person I love, does not mean it will ever happen again. I am a realist damn it. I know this, you know this.
Do I have to know more than that. More I want to fuck the person I love? I mean really fuck them. Isn’t that enough?
Anyway…
love love love
fuck fuck fuck
I love to fuck
I fuck to love
I kill everything fuck
I fuck everything I kill
Happy Valentine’s Loves!
Don’t forget about the The Great San Francisco Valentine’s Day Pillowfight. At the ferry building at the strike of Six, let the feathers fly. Come down and let me whoop your ass with a pillow, let me show you just how much I really love you.
xoxo.
Vix
Very profound. So much of what you have written is true for people without a relationship and for people with a relationship. Here’s hoping you find all that you want, desire, and need.
I find this very interesting, because curiously enough you have always struck me as someone who knows exactly what she wants and is willing to go after it forcefully. It’s that alpha-female mentality (mixed with your reflective, poignant thoughts) that keep me coming back for more.
Still, it’s nice to see you crystallize what you really want out of a true relationship. I wish you tons of luck in acquiring What You Want.
– PB
I always love your blog posts, and this one is no exception, and while I can’t offer a true relationship, I wish I lived closer to provide my cock and tongue.
In my own mind, I know– I don’t know what I want, but I am truly not convinced that have to know. Do I?
My cock is throbbing right now and I wish I could brush it against your lips.
My cock is hard right now and I wish you could straddle me and grind against my cock and explode in wettness all over me.
And I’d love to have you sit on my face and bury your cunt into me and grind onto my mouth and tongue.
this post cuts me and then soothes me and then cuts me again.
my friend asks, “do you get jealous?” I say that I do and that the more emotionally invested I am the more jealousy seems to bite into my neck.
“well, why do you get jealous?”
and the answer to this question is infinitely complicated. it is the kind of infinite that milan kundera points out in the book of laughter and forgetting that is infinitely internal and small. therefore crippling. the infinitely large and unobtainable are easily brushed off because they are out of our grasp and we adjust. but this infinitely small is the source of my neurosis–jealousy.
“i get jealous because i fall for femme fatale women. my heart seems only able to love this kind of darkness. and a duplicitous nature seems to characterize this kind of relationship.”
if only my heart could choose better. but it likes darkness. if only my heart could hurt so much that it felt nothing and wouldn’t allow me to put it on the line as there would be no substance to offer hungry mouths.
also, i like wet pussy. i like mouths that need my cock. assholes that must feel my tongue in them. i need sexual frenzy that makes me feel exultation in my body and his hers theirs. it makes me feel like i am fully alive to meet someone that needs my sex like i need hers. this i find in my lovely dangerous dark and deeply intelligent women. they also happen to leave me quivering like emotional jelly. but i don’t seem to resist.
so, to read this post is to read an inky shadow that wells up in me like panicked anticipation everyday and it makes me hard. can we fuck the one we love? can we really have this? i do. but can i have the one i love?
i doubt it. i don’t love the ones that want me. and so, i will always be carnal carrion.
I think at various points in our lives, everyone has to figure out what they want. Whether it’s for the moment or for the long haul. We all make decisions every day that are fueled by some sort of desire, want or need, sometimes we just don’t realize it.
Happy V-day Vix!!
James:thanks sweets, I hope so too and if not, well I guess I’ll stick to bonin’.
The Panserbjørne: thanks for reminding me. I am the type of woman who goes after what you wants, fuck now think later. Perhaps it is time to think before I fuck.
Ronald10021: thanks sugar. I am interested in the concept of a “true relationship.” I will have to think negotiate what makes up a “true relationship?”
exegete:well love, thank you thank you for stopping by. I think you have hit something many of us grapple with. This mix, almost wanting it all, the sweet temptation of fucking, maybe those we shouldn’t. The irrationality of jealousy. Jealousy is a biggie for me too. It has come up a lot lately, think I need to do a post about it. oh love this item on your site, i must have it.
Blackpearl: yes, true true, you so wise. decisions fueled by desire, yes many of mine are, many of bad bad decision, equally some of my best. Hope you had a nice Valentine and that hubby did you good.
Hey Vix:
I’ve always thought that when what you WANT is somewhat vague, sometimes a good alternative is to make sure you’re clear on what you DON’T WANT.
I find it most useful for those of us who already have plenty of experience in having found what we don’t want… (ahem)
But this way, you’re leaving yourself open to looking for things you didn’t know you wanted in the first place.
gary b: you too are a wise and I wholeheartedly agree. It took me a long time to know what I don’t want, and this is something I do know–what I don’t want. Thank you for reminding me.
xxoo.
Vix
the website has been a lark that is soon to end. i have more pressing passions to pursue. if you want it you will have it. a closing out gift.
exegete: come on and give it to me…