When ever a season changes I find myself in an introspective state of mind.
Summer, as it always does, seems to be coming to a crashing end. Even as an adult–I get that feeling of summer lasting a lifetime, but then mid August rolls around and I am perplexed about where the time went and why did it go so fast.
Of course I spent a majority of my time and money on my legal problems. If I have not said it lately—
“Don’t do it. No drinking a driving–none. They want your money, they want your time and none of it is worth it.”
I am to blame, I try to live without blaming others. Last night was my last court ordered DUI class–I had to give a small speech. When I first started the torture of DUI class, I did blame–I blamed the cops, the system, the CA budget crisis. But, last night in my speech I fessed up–there is no one to blame but me. It was an overdue consequence of my bad behavior. And it cost me a lot of money and time–and to say the least it has been a giant buzz kill.
So…just don’t do it.
Back in July I mentioned my new approach to dating; selectivity–I guess over quantity. I have been considerably less of slut this year–which is good and bad. I am certainly not having as much sex as I want and need, but the sex is good. It is like weed, I would rather not smoke unless it’s some high grade shit–I would rather not fuck you, unless you are going to fuck me right–or rather we fuck each other right. NYC was my only summer fuck, well and my wild man Wyoming wedding hook up–which was defiantly fun. For the most part I have been a loyalist to NYC–the time between visits made it doable to be so.
But now what?
Often I get emails from men, who think I must be fucking day in and day out and that I am such a marvelous slut—that all I do is fuck and suck. This is not the case. Yes I am a marvelous slut, but I am not looking for just fucking. On one first (and last) date night a guy said something to me that has not left.
“Don’t you want love, isn’t that the goal? Don’t you want to wake up next to someone?”
I am not looking for casual fucking, well I am–but I also want love–I want to love your cock, I want your cock hard for me–not for what my lips can do to it, but because they are my lips. Sometimes at night I get in my bed and it feels like it expands in size–filling the room and I become this speck of a woman in this huge over-sized bed. I cannot breath. The ache to feel the warm body of a man I love next to me, to feel his cock hardening–pressing into me, for me.
My search continues, the dating will have to resume again. I have stopped online dating–I grew very sick of analyzing data and trying to make love and sex happen from the results. Online does cut some of the bullshit away, but I want to seek romance in a more organic manner. I want to talk to someone. Look you in eyes when I smile and hi.
I measure my life in seasons, in time. Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter–I watch my time pass. My happiness and the loneliness measured with the ebb and flow of the tides, with the changing of the leaves, with the amount of precipitation in the air–an attempt to express my longing and want for love and cock.
A few last things on my mind…
Today’s tumblr features Ambrotypes and Daguerreotypes created by a Bay Area photographer. The work is captivated me instantly. The artist is available for commissions. The work can be seen on Erotic Ambrotypes and Nude Daguerreotypes. Contact the artist for further information. Also, check out The Dag Lab for more background about Dagurreotypes and some beautifully haunting works of art.
CityDouble, where are you?
“Sometimes the denial or suspension of what we need must be the answer; never the ability to obtain our desires remaining just from a hands grasp.. that perpetual unavailability serves as some form of satisfaction. the momentary taste to feed desire and more. what would eventually fade in love (i wonder) remains there always. in memory and past action, it is there for the mental taking to revisit alone, time and again.”
Natty, where are you?
Love, where are you?
i share the same attitude towards sex and love. I find the one hard without the other, even if my definition of “love” isn’t exactly a Disney approved storybook version. Scarred by a divorce and too many bad relationships “love” is not the same thing to me now as it was in my 20s: not even remotely.
It’s an intimacy though, a connection between people that’s more than sex. As much intellectual as physical “love” is what leads to hours spent in embrace, not necessarily explicitly sexual or overt in nature but enjoyed nonetheless. A kiss can be so much more than just a kiss.
I’ve no interest in fucking just for the sake of fucking. I’ve done it, and I don’t enjoy it. The fucking is never as good as it is when I’m in smitten.
I dated a woman once who seemed shocked when I suggested that she could have spent the night at my place *without* fucking me. The idea that I would have been comfortable laying there with her in bed, holding her (or not, as comfort dictated) seemed genuinely surprising to her. It surprised me: it’s easy to find someone to spend time fucking with, it’s a lot harder to find someone you can spend time not fucking with.
Finding someone you can do both with? Magic.
I hope your search goes well. And yeah, online dating…overrated…although I have forged great friendships with four women I dated online for various lengths of time, and yet the ones I met in person? Gone. Go figure.
LV – Even though you love to play between the stacks, your alterego of reference maven gives your life balance. It’s a pathetic thought if you’re only seen as a hot vixen with an active (or virtual) sex life. Your words are tantalizing, but they are only a segment of the whole. Life can’t be creamy all the time, but you can certainly try!
I gained interest in Dagurreotypes after reading an article about analyzing old ones for details on life in the backgrounds. The author claimed that Dagurreotypes had an equivalent level of detail as a 150 megapixel digital camera for the amount of zooming in that could be done. I’d really like to see an archival project done using them and pictures of the city.
In terms of love and sex, sex is fun, sex can be great fun, but love is like the balm for the soul, the food for the spirit and the peace in a hectic world that shelters you. I could have sex every day, two – three times a day and really be enjoying myself, but without love it’s all just a game, and when it’s over you end up sitting around trying to figure out what to do next.
i like this entry, a lot. very rich and real. happy searching. love to be found by you. kudos on the acceptance bit, too, that’s not easy.
btw, you are mind-bogglingly sensual.
Love is found where you least expect it.
finding love, from my experience at least, has as much to do with luck as it does with persistence. Every pot has it’s lid as the saying goes.
Vancouver Sensuality: welcome back, I missed you. I do not find it hard to engage in sex and have a good time, but I do find it terrible lonely afterward and that alone is not worth the random bouts of fucking I often find myself seeking. Sex with a connection, an intimacy is absolutely the best and what I want.
Brad:Oh I certainly do try love. But yes, sex is not everything, but it is on this blog. Sex and how everything else I do relates to it–including what I do at the reference desk.
Khavren: you are wise. Yes sex is fun game to engage in, but yes–at the end of the day, I long for some shelter under the cock I love. very interesting comparison about the digital camera and the Dagurreotypes.
max: thanks so much. I always feel a connection with each comment you leave and if you were closer I probably would find you.
wb: and sometimes when we can’t have it.
winterboy: thanks for the read love and the proverbial hope. A I the pot or the lid. Either way if there is one thing I am, is persistent. xoxo
Turmoil in life… but always here groping in the glowing light of my screen at your words. my new contact…always wanting.