infins agony
Thursday, March 3rd, 2011
Damn this fucking heartache life.
I am alone and I am not. They come fractured, and I don’t help– as much as I want, I can’t help, nor can I seem to turn away.
Only twice have I been asked to stop writing about someone, about the person in my life, about the emotion, power, sex and energy I have with them. I refused the first time. I have not refused, nor agreed this time. On both occasions when the question hit me I felt a brief, yet deep, disappointment. I like writing about the amazement and joy I get from fucking. And I guess I have this sort of need to share my search and loss for love– but more than anything –I’ve really been hoping for a sweet cock who would get that, and let me do that. I am conflicted, confused, a bit brokenhearted –I don’t altogether understand the motives, much of the time I don’t even understand my own.
I’ve been accused of having sex only to write about it–a fact I have on more than one occasion contemplated myself.
Do I fuck to write? And if I do, is it wrong? To live and write about living.
We fight against this love at every turn. Internal and external. Past those last loves we refuse to let pass. These moments of joy get lost to moments of fear, panic, anger and loneliness. The future you refuse to see so therefore will never manifest, and only gets buried in these words and symbols of my search for the man who can be my true cock.
NYC was a love filled goodbye in hopes that on my return my SF cock would be willing to take the leap with me. But since returning I have felt a vibe of disconnect, perhaps deceit, and possibly slivers of disgust– yes we fucked instantly and yes my previously locked pussy that refused to open for NYC, spread like flowering flesh wound to his cock.
The way he makes my cunt wet without even touching me, his kiss to my skin his hands wrapping around my neck, and his back hand across my cheeks –sends me elsewhere, to complete other worlds. For long stretches of time, all I think about is having his cock in my mouth. A good fuck with him makes me want to cry in pain, joy and love. At not getting it make me want to cry too, a wail of cock want and longing. But, still I felt a distance– I chalked it up to the situation of balancing two men, of being gone.
But the disconnect lingers.
Our joy easily disintegrate like dust. I feel it, actually I have probably felt it the whole time–the beginning and the ending all in one.


NYC did things to me no one else has been able to, in places of fantastic beauty and in wildly inappropriately public places.












